What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror?

I wanted to talk more about body image on here and when I sat down to write this post came flooding out. This post could be triggering to those struggling with EDs, disorder eating and trauma so if you’re feeling raw or rough today save to read for another day.

I remember a time when I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated every inch of what I saw. I hated my body, I hated myself and all I saw were my perceived flaws. I did not see a beautiful person. I saw thick thighs, cellulite, stretch marks, fat, rolls, pimples, freckles and so many other nit picky things I used to berate myself for. I felt like nothing more than an ugly duckling and like I wasn't worth much.

As a young women, I struggled with recognizing my inherent worth and accepting the idea that we are all worthy not because we are beautiful but because we are, because we exist. I spent years at war with myself, trying to curate the outside, at any cost, into perfection, to look as close to the accepted standard of beauty as I could get because then I would finally be worth something.

Over the years I have tried countless diets, participated in disordered eating by counting every calorie that went into my mouth. I struggled with eating disorders at various times in my life. I was bulimic in university. I was orthorexic and anorexic after my divorce. I even tried diet pills in high school.

I am naturally a size 10-12 but I have gotten my body down to a size 8, 6 and even a size 3. I have worked with personal trainers and been as fit and as trim as I could get. I have run marathons without training because I was over exercising on the daily. But, no matter what I did, no matter how much I exercised, or how thin I got, it was never enough. I was never thin enough and all I saw were my flaws. I would continue to berate myself for failing to meet the high expectations I had for my self and my body.

My quest for the perfect body was arduous, gruelling. It isolated me from family and friends. I wouldn't and didn't go out much. I didn't attend dinners, or events. If I did I obsessed about how I would counteract what I ate or drank the next day with exercise and calorie reducing. Food caused me so much anxiety. There was a time, I could barely leave the house without packing a cooler of "safe" foods for myself to eat while I was out. I was starving all the time and I always worried about my next meal or snack and how I would deal with the hunger in between eating.

This way of living greatly affected my mental health. I was emotional and had very drastic mood swings. I was never happy with myself or my body. It took me years to learn the reason I was never happy with my body was because the controlling and binding my body, was never about my outward appearance. It was all tangled up and tied to past trauma. It was a protective, anxiety binding, coping strategy. One that literally and figuratively kept me on a treadmill trying to reach something I could never get, perfection. I was just punishing myself over and over. Never ever reaching what I needed, which was not the perfect body but my won self acceptance and love. Unravelling this was hard work. I had to heal years of pain and end a war I had been at with my body since I was very young. As well as, heal an unhealthy relationship with exercise and food.

I learned, with the help from a therapist, that my body is not my enemy, it never betrayed me and it does not deserve to be punished, bound up or controlled. Food is not bad or good and exercising can be enjoyable and have many benefits that include mental health benefits but, first, I had to heal my relationship with eating and my body. At the heart of all of these behaviours I had around food, weight and my body, was the belief that I am worthless. I had to integrate the belief that I am worthy just as I am, just because I am, and for no other reason.

This was by no means a linear journey. It was, and is still, cyclical and I find myself cycling through this healing in less intense degrees over and over. This last bout happening, during my pregnancy and as I struggle to accept the way my body has changed postpartum. But this time around I am armed with my past work and healing. This time I have experienced the wonders my body can create and make, when given love, acceptance and nurturing.

Now, when I look at myself in the mirror I can see my beauty both inside and out and I see my worth from the inside out. I understand I am not an ornament but a force to be reckoned with. The things I can create and do with my body are so much more important that what it looks like to others. I see my internal strength and power when I see myself. Someone who does not deserve to be punished for her past or her flaws. Someone who is healing, learning, growing and evolving everyday. Someone who is a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a partner, a step mom and someone so full of love. Someone who grew and carried a beautiful child in her body for almost ten months. That's all incredible and wonderful.

I share this all with you because I want you to know we all have inherent worth. We are all worthy of good things, real, healthy love, happiness and abundance. That healing the pain that keeps us from believing we are not worthy I hard but oh so worth it.

So, if you are struggling today with your self worth, self image or the way your body looks right now, know that you are not alone, you are so loved for so much more than your body and there is so much more to you than the way you look on the outside.

I am not perfect and I no longer want to be. Perfection is no longer required here. We are and always have been a beautiful work in progress