To My Teenage Self With Love

On this day, World Teen Mental Wellness Day, I got thinking about what I would say to my teenage self, if I could go back in time and have a convo with her.

The truth is teenage life can be hard. As adults we don't see it that way because their problems seem so small in the grand scheme of life. But It's hard for them because they are so new to the world and every experience is just that, new. Think back to being a teen. School was a land mine of social issues, friendships fraught with drama because we didn't know how to navigate certain scenarios, how to heal hurts. We had homework on top of homework, and we were charged with deciding the course of our future way too young. We were trying to find independence when we didn't yet know or understand long term consequences or the way the world worked.

Our teen brains were developing quickly. The amygdala, the part that is in charge of anxiety, fear, anger was growing bigger than the logical side of our brain. It made us quick to anger, and prone to being angsty and moody. It was easily triggered by the slightest annoyance. We were not fully control of our the rest of our emotions either as our hormones ran amuck over every day life. We pushed limits and tested boundaries with the people close to us which sometimes made family life difficult. Then there was the pressure but on us by our peer groups, society, parents, and teachers to be adults, which we physiologically could not do. We were expected to behave a certain way, to fit in and be accepted or acceptable. Figuring out who we were and who we wanted to be was overwhelming in the face of who everyone else told us we should want to be or wanted us to be. We made mistakes, we made bad choices. We partied instead of studying. We hung out all night with our friends and didn't come home at curfew. None of this made us bad people but sometimes it felt that way. Teens deserve a bit of grace. Your teenager deserves a bit of grace if you are raising one. More importantly, your teenage self, when you think back on them, deserved a bit of grace, too.

So, if I had a convo with my teenage self, I would give her a hug, first because she needed one. I would let her know she is beautiful and amazing just as she is. I would let her know that she was doing the best she can with some hard stuff because being a teen is rough stuff.

The one thing, I would not tell her is that it all gets better, because life throws some hard stuff at us. But I would tell her, eventually, she will be able to handle the tough stuff a little better. I would not warn her or tell her not to do certain things because the journey is all necessary. It's all part of the plan, of her life, of building her character, of her understanding herself, and gaining resilience, learning and growing into a better version of herself.

If I did tell her anything it would be to focus on herself and her mental health, her music, her art, and her writing. To focus on expressing herself and being creative because it's so much more important than the pressure she is feeling to be anything other than a creator.

I would let her know that the "perfect" she is trying to achieve, does not exist and she never attains it. That even if she did it wouldn’t protect her from self-judgement, others judging her, bullying her or causing her harm. I would tell her, that it doesn't matter, anyway. That healing comes. That she learns, her opinion is the only one that matters. That she is the love of her life. That she is her own best friend. That she is the only one she will be with every day, all day for the rest of her life and that means only she can make decisions for her life, only she can define what success is for her, only she can say what she wants and needs, and only she can define her worth. I would tell her to own her beauty and her power. She has so much more to contribute to the world than just being beautiful by someone else’s standards or become what anyone else thinks she should be.

I would offer her grace and love, knowing she has a hell of a time ahead of her but knowing she will come out of it healed and stronger.

I would tell her how proud I am of her, of all she is, all she is doing, and all she will do because without her, and her getting through it all, there wouldn't be me, the me I am right now, today. A mother, wife, step mom, creator, creative, writer, artist, dog mom, who is doing her best, learning, growing, changing, living life, a pretty great life, and all of it is because of her. Her trying, her muddling through, and that means everything to me.

What would you say to your teenage self?