Real Talk: My Story and Mental Health Journey

January 28th in Canada is Bell 'Let's Talk' Day. An initiative dedicated to opening up the conversation around mental health, ending the stigma and raising awareness.

Real talks, I struggle with and have struggled with my mental health for many years. I have battled depression, struggled with anxiety, eating disorders and worked hard to heal my trauma history and subsequent PTSD.

My insta-feed and this very blog may have you thinking, "What?! No way!". But, yes! It's true.

While House of Gabrielle was created to build a community around following your passions, finding every day joys and making life beautiful, I would hate for that to be misinterpreted as toxic positivity, which is about glossing over real life and real life struggles or issues. In launching this blog it was not my intention to exude perfection or show that my life is perfect, pink, stress free and full of nothing but joy and bliss. I felt it was important to write this post and share about my mental health struggles and journey. Have some real talks.

But first a bit of a disclaimer.

There is a lot popping up around mental health and people sharing their stories today, online and on social media, which for some can be triggering. So, if you are feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed, activated or triggered by the content being shared and posted, I encourage you to take a break, get off social media and steer clear of the convo for a bit. Know that you are not alone. So many of us have been where you are.

That being said in this post I am going to talk a bit on my own mental health journey and that may be triggering for some. So, please scroll no further, and take care of you, if you are in a vulnerable place today.

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Almost nine years ago, I went through a catalyst moment. It manifested as a very trying separation and divorce with my then husband of four years. We had been together for almost 11 years. Our relationship was not healthy. It was in fact a very codependent relationship, steeped in addictions and unhealthy coping mechanism from our pasts. I entered into this relationship at the tender age of 19 and it was the only relationship I had ever known at the time.

The break up of this marriage and it's fallout, woke me up to my self, my eating disorder, my depression, my anxiety, my attachment issues and my deeply buried trauma history. For many years, I had been denying, hiding and pretending. I was pretending everything was fine, that I was fine but I had reached a point where I could no longer ignore my pain because I could no longer function or over function as I had been for so long. I was 30 years old and thus, began my healing journey inwards, to face my real true self.

I am not going sugar coat it. Those initial healing years were rough. Things got worse before they got better. It was not a linear process from my 30 year old self to where I am now, at 38, almost 39. It took many steps forward and many steps back. I made a lot of mistakes. I made the same ones over and over. I stumbled. I fell. I lost. I got it wrong plenty of times. I suffered heart aches, betrayals and more importantly self betrayal. I went through some difficult break ups. I lost friends. I let my blocked, trapped grief and emotions overtake my life like a tidal wave and run it into the ground. I dug deeper into unhealthy coping mechanisms and my eating disorders. I went through some incredibly dark times. I sunk really low and deep and cried until I thought no more tears could come out. I lost the meaning of living, at times, because all I felt was pain.

It was hard. Facing the dark side, the pain, the wounded inner child, the attachment issues, unhealthy coping mechanisms, the anger, the grief and the trauma. I don't know of a perfect or good way to do it or get through it. I struggled with it, a lot, but I didn't give up. I worked at it. I worked at it in therapy, in counselling sessions, in workshops and seminars, support groups, with books and online programs, with others who were struggling, too.

Eventually, I made the hard call and decision for my own mental health, to go on medication. Then I went off it. Then I went back on it. Then I went off it. Then I stayed on it.

Going on medication wasn't the solution to all my mental health issues. But, it was one of the many tools I needed to get myself back in the ring and keep fighting another day, to keep doing the work and get to a place where I could look back and see not just the pain, depression and hard times but the journey itself.

Now, I can look back and be grateful for the whole of the journey, the lessons, the hard times, the darkness, the resilience, and strength. I see the amazing times I've had, too. How blessed and privileged I have been through it all, how taken care of. I met so many awesome people who shared their journey, heart and stories with me. I rekindled relationships and old friendships with open, honest love and communication and was able to do so because of self awareness and compassion for self and others and their journeys. I am no longer living through the veil of my traumas. I am more aligned to my true values than ever before.

I have traveled all over the world. I am closer with my family than ever before. I have been able to try out and pursue my passions, art, design, music, home decorating, baking, cooking, crafting, modelling, acting and so much more. I have been afforded the opportunities to explored my capabilities throughout life and I have grown into my true authentic self because of that.

I have learned to find the joy and beauty in the everyday, even when times are tough or hard and they still can be but I can deal with it from a healthy place, now.

But my work is not done. It never will be. I used to think that I would reach a place where I could say I made it to the other side. But, I have learned through all this that there is no 'other side and It is incredibly important for me, to consistently work at keeping my mental health on track with self care and love.

Self care for me, looks like getting enough rest, working on my passion projects, taking my meds regularly and consistently. Eating well, but not obsessively so. Moving my body, but again, not obsessively so. Checking in with my mental health team who help me keep my mental health aligned with my goals. Listening to my body and taking breaks when necessary. Maintaining my spiritual practice and growing my faith to build a foundation of strength, love and purpose. Working at and on my relationships. Because one of the contributing factors to maintaining my mental health is connecting with the people I love in meaningful ways. I have a wonderful partner, friends and family who are on their own healing journeys and have been amazing supports in my life. They have stuck with me through some rocky, hard, distant and challenging times and I with them. They are real and honest with me when I am slipping, or defaulting to unhealthy ways of coping or being. They give me advice and feedback to help me get back to a place of health. I value them immensely. I realize what a gift they are and how truly blessed I am to have them. They are also, part of my self care plan and part of my mental health team.

To summarize, you never know what another person has been through. So try not to compare, as there is no true version of perfect out there. Take care of your mental health in whatever way works best for you, and don't compare your chapter 1 to another's chapter 20. I hope that in sharing my mental health struggles and story you find hope and inspiration to continue on the course of your own journey and can one day share your story for those that need to hear it.

Sending you all much love and support.