Going Back to Work After Mat Leave

Having a baby is a life altering experience. If you live in Canada, you get up to 18 months to adjust into your new role as mommy and spend lots of time snuggling and tending to your new little baby. But, eventually, reality kicks in and you may have to, or choose to, go back to work. The transition can be difficult on both mom and baby. How can you make it through to the other side of that transition unscathed? Well, you can't, really. But you can prepare yourself. Below are some tips that might help you deal with the emotions and bumps in the road ahead.

Accept the Difficulty. Even good transitions are hard. This one is especially difficult. Accept that you will feel grief for the end of a life phase. You will feel guilty for sending your baby to daycare or another type of child care scenario. Especially, when the baby is crying and upset you are leaving him during the day. You will both be sad and maybe angry for a bit and you will both need time to adjust. Allow the emotions, the uncomfortable feelings to come up. Process them and deal with them, have a good cry, be kind to yourself while you are feeling this way. Know it will pass and eventually it won't be so hard. It will get easier for both of you.

Ease into it. I knew daycare was going to be a tough transition for me, so rather than dive right into full days apart. We did a home daycare situation first. The lady who ran the daycare was so wonderful and accommodating. We started with half days to ease us both into the transition.

The first few weeks, my little guy, Everest went in the mornings to daycare and then I picked him up after his nap. It worked for us both. I got updates on how Everest was doing, even if he was a bit sad after I left. He eventually got used to being at daycare and started playing with the other kids after having a little cry. I, myself, cried and cried and cried the first couple of drop offs, so it was understandable that he did, too. I was grateful we had a wonderful person to send him to, who came very highly recommended by multiple moms, because that made it so much easier. Eventually Everest was more than happy to go to daycare and he loved it there. By the time my mat leave was up and I had to head back to work, Everest was loving daycare, requesting to go and having a ball when he was there, which eased my mind and my heart.

If you are apprehensive, that's okay. You will be, at first. Leaving your baby for the whole day, is not easy. But, don't bite off more than you can chew. Try to get into a child care situation that allows some flexibility, so you can start slow, try half days, or full days here and there. Do whatever works for you. Don't push yourself to be somewhere you are not. You'll get there, in time. Allow yourself that time.

Balance will be hard to find. It can be difficult switching gears from mom mode to work mode. It may take some finessing on your part or some compartmentalizing to do so, at first. Find what works for you.

When you first get back to work expect thing to feel a bit off balance. It will take a while to get caught up on projects and find your groove again. You may have to re-establish rapport with your manager, co-workers, and staff, there may be new staff you have to get to know. Things may have changed. Nothing may have changed. Regardless, you will need a bit of a grace period. One thing is for certain, you will need to re-integrate some of your new self into your working life because you are different now. You may have to carve a new path as a new you. You have different priorities, you have added responsibilities, you went through some life changing, possibly traumatic, experiences that will all be part of who you are now and may change how you handle and approach some working scenarios. It's a bit of a rediscovery process. Allow for it.

Prior to having a child of my own, I just didn't get what it was like to be a working mom or dad. I understood, intellectually, but I did not get it from an emotional stand point. It is difficult, at first, to have your brain constantly preoccupied with your little baby, your heart, wandering around in the outside world. without you. You wonder how their day is going, if they are having fun. You worry that they are missing you terribly, that you are missing important stuff, words, milestones, joy, laughs, etc. You worry that mean kids are bullying them. Some days are harder than others and you just want to run to daycare and pick them up, take them home and cuddle them on the couch watching Bluey all afternoon. That's one of the hard part about being a working parent, you carry your child in your heart, always and yet some how you have to keep your focus on the spread sheet and a budget in front of you. Eventually you learn to carry the two, worrying about your kids and working in your body simultaneously.

The other side of being a working parent is that it is busy. You will have less time in the mornings to get ready. Fitting in school and daycare drops off and pick ups adds to your commute and your already busy day. Grocery shopping, and meals get harder to do, to plan, to cook. Where once you were kicking ass and taking names, you might now be dropping balls and struggling to figure out how you missed that. You might have to use more sick days and vacation days than ever before, due to daycare cancelation days, illnesses, teething, vaccines, and so much more.

I won't tell you to find balance in it all because the reality is it is going to be difficult to find it for a bit. Just do your best and muddle your way through. Know that most working parents are in the same boat as you, working multiple jobs, filling multiple roles, trying to figure it all out and get it all done without dropping too many balls.

You don't have to do it all. There are only so many hours in a day and you only have so much energy to pull from. You literally, can not be everything to every one. You will need help. Delegate some of the tasks you have been doing during your mat leave to your spouse, older children, mom, mother-in-law, best friend or anyone else willing to chip in during your first few months (or years) back to work. Once you head back to work a lot of tasks are going to be harder to manage. Your little will need extra cuddles and mom time after being away from you for so long. Figure out what you can delegate and make a plan with your spouse, older kids, mom, MIL, BFFs and support people. Take a few things off your plate and allow yourself some grace during this transition.

Daycares are great places. During the peak of the winter months last year and season three of the great pandemic, my poor little baby, Everest, looked up at me looking bored out of his mind and dissatisfied with the last couple of days of going from the play room on the main floor to the play room in the basement and back again, because it was minus 40 outside. I felt bad. I was tired and exhausted from momming all day everyday, and I realized that maybe daycare was not such a bad thing for a baby/toddler. In fact, maybe it was a good thing and it was a good thing for Everest. I'm an artist and graphic designer by trade, entertaining a toddler during the daytime hours is not in my area of expertise. I couldn't give him everything he needed in terms of socializing, sensory play, learning experiences and playdate fun. But I knew where to go so he could get all that. It was okay that I wasn't all he needed all the time. I'm not an early childhood educator. But there are very knowledgeable and experienced early childhood educators at daycare who can handle all those learning and playtime needs, while simultaneously, providing socializing time and lots of new friends to play with.

Don't sleep on daycares, mama. They got a good thing going. They are wonderful places for toddlers to learn, explore, make messes, have fun and meet new people. Know that your child may struggle through the transition initially but over time they will probably love daycare, playing with their friends and their daycare workers. So, it's okay to send them there. You are not sending your child away for someone else to raise them. You are getting help with entertaining and developmental learning for your child and that's a good thing.

It's okay to want to work. Not everyone can be a stay at home mom and that's okay. If you are not built that way, don't beat yourself up. Some people love being stay at home mothers, others find it difficult but still choose to be a STAHM for various reasons, others want to be STAHMs but have to work for financial reasons and some moms like to go to work and have a career, as well as, be a mom. Do what works best for you and your family. Whatever choice that may be. Steer clear of judging other mom's choices or feeling the need to validate your own choice by thinking your choice is the only/best choice to raise "good" kids. There are lots of different options that work for different types of families, whether out of choice or necessity.

For myself, I am a better mom when I go to work, and do a job that I enjoy. It would be nice to spend every day, all day with my baby boy, because I do love spending time with him, but I need to stretch my creative muscles too and financially I can't support myself writing and making art so to work I go. I can let other people look after Everest, during the day, doing a job they love, knowing he is having fun and wonderful experiences at daycare, along with all the other children there. I can accept my limitations in life and as a mom and know that I don't have to be everything to my child, all the time. He can have other people in his life that provide him with good care, play time, outdoor time, fun experiences and socializing. I don't have to do it all and neither do you.

If you are a mom headed back to work, I hope this gives you some insight and some help through, what can be, a hard transition. If you have been through this transition and have some insight or friendly advice to offer from your experiences, please share in the comments below.