5 Steps to Forgiveness and a Happier Life

We have all been hurt by someone in our lives, be it a lover, partner, friend, family member, business partner. We have all been in pain, unable to move past a situation or the harm it caused within us. Choosing to stay stuck in a place of un-forgiveness sometimes feels like the better decision. The idea of releasing it all and forgiving feels like we are letting the other person get away with what happened. They did this! Why do I have to do the work to forgive? But letting go and forgiving is the best way to move forward and live a peaceful, contented life.

I speak from experience and as someone who once struggled to forgive those who had hurt me. I was hurt and angry. I wanted some form of apology, justice, some form of accountability from the person I felt wronged by, some acknowledgement of the pain they inflicted. I wanted them outed as the evil doer I believed they were. But, as I learned, life rarely works in such binary terms. There is rarely a clear cut villain and a clear cut good guy. There is nuance and greys to most situations. The person who hurt me was deeply hurt themselves. That doesn't absolve them from the pain they caused me and others but it means that the hurt they caused me is not about me. It's about them and their own pain.

When I was deeply struggling with unforgiveness, I had trouble seeing that. I was resentful and angry. Many of the people in my life appealed to me to find a way to forgive because it was affecting me in a lot of negative ways. I was stuck. I was spinning my wheels, ruminating about the situation over and over and over. It's all I could talk about and all I could think about. I was so hurt. I didn't understand forgiveness, at all, at that time. My anger and pain felt like the better choice and I was comfortable in it, or so I thought. I couldn't see how forgiving or letting go would set me free. It felt like they got off the hook, while I was stuck dealing with all this pain.

I often railed against their advice. "But how? How do I do that? How do I let go? How do I forgive?".

The answer I most often got, "You just have to do it,".

Forgiveness is a gift but it is messy business. It is often at the forefront of literature given out by support groups. The mantra of self help gurus and countless blogs on mental health. You hear it as "let go" "release the past", and "move on". But how do we go about the business of forgiving? How do we let go and move on with our lives?

While choosing forgiveness seems harder, like a more difficult path and choice, ultimately it will lead to a more peaceful life. It took me a few years and some hard lessons to learn that forgiveness is the key to a contentment, even happiness and a more fulfilling life.

After some research and self work I figured out what forgiveness actually looked like. It turns out in order to forgive you just have to do it. Everyday. In small ways and sometimes in big, big, big ways. Here's are 5 steps to help you get to a place where you can forgive.

Step one: Unburden yourself

The situation is no longer happening, so it can no longer cause us pain. From this place we can begin to forgive, and forgiveness means to unburden yourself from the situation and the pain it has caused you. It is not absolving the other person from their acts. You are not giving the person a pass. You are releasing and unburdening yourself from carrying all the pain associated with the situation.

Once we adopt this knowing we can begin to move forward. Because unburdening yourself allows for healing, for peace, for some type of resolution and growth within yourself. Growth that is for you and you alone. It had nothing to do with the other person.

You deserve to be happy, healthy and live a life free of resentment, anger and pain.

Right now, you are safe, you are free from the situation. Don't hold on to it. Unburden yourself.

Stop Looking for Closure and Validation

For me, unburdening myself meant I had to stop looking for closure or apologies. The closure wasn't coming. The apologies were never going to come. I had to accept that and put it to rest. Forgive myself for the ways I was angry at myself for my involvement or part in it and let it all go.

I had to stop telling the same story over and over and looking for validation on my side of things. By doing so I was giving the situation power over me and my life. The only validation I needed was my own. I knew my truth. I was there. I knew what happened. Regardless, what the other person claimed happened. I had to let go of the idea that I would receive validation from outside sources and others and give it to myself.

I also, had to stop looking for answers. I had to stop looking for reasons why this happened. I had to let go of the idea that this situation or hurt that had been caused had anything to do with my value as a person, or my worth. I didn't deserve it. I didn't cause it. It wasn't my fault. It didn't matter why they did it or why it happened. I had to let go of searching for answers. I was a good person. I was and always have been worthy of love, respect, safety and care. That was all I needed to know.

Feel it to Heal it

Next, I had to heal the pain, on my own, as my own to deal with. This was one of the most important steps.

A therapist explained it to me like this, "It’s like someone made a mess in your yard and then they left. They’re not coming back. So, you can sit there complaining about the mess to your friends and neighbours unable to enjoy your beautiful yard waiting for the person to come back and clean it up or you can get in there and do the work to clean it. That's how forgiveness works."

The person was long gone, the damage was done. They were never going to fix the pain inside me, regardless of whether they helped cause it or not. They couldn't heal their own pain. They were not going to heal mine. So, it was my job to heal me. I had help, of course, from therapists, health care professionals, friends and family, mentors, healers and support groups. But ultimately, I was the one who had to do the work to heal as best as I could from the situation.

To heal our heart, our mind, our pain, we, have to process and allow our feelings to be felt around the situation or person. No one else can do that for us. No one can magically make all that go away. We can not bypass the work around our own healing and that healing is not easy. It will require us to process our feelings, emotions and trauma. We may be sad, mournful, and angry for a time. We may need to hate the person, to cry, to shake, to scream in pain. But we can also write, make art, do yoga, run, walk, listen to or make music, or use another form of catharsis to let out that emotion, trauma and pain (as long as it is safe to do so and does not harm another person). It will live in our body in some form until we do. We gotta feel it to heal it.

Start Living your Life for You

While I was healing, I had to start living again. I started in small ways. I had to decide to start living for myself. I did things that were good for me. Eventually I started doing things that brought me joy, made me feel alive again, made me laugh, made me cry, made me just plain feel something other than anger and pain. I planned a few trips. I planned out some future endeavours. I started a new project. I took some art courses. I went after some goals and dreams. I went on adventures with friends. I just started living again. Literally, just got out there and did the things and I kept doing the things, over and over and over until those things infused my life with so much fun, love, joy, life, zest and pleasure, again, that before I knew it I was living life. Eventually, the pain dissipated, my anger faded and I wasn't being held back by my pain and anger.

Watch your Thoughts

The last part of forgiveness was being mindful. Forgiveness did not come easy or happen over night. I had to be mindful of my thoughts. Every time I thought of the person or situation I did my best (I was not perfect at this right away) to notice my thoughts, my reaction to my thoughts in my body and I took a pause. I took a breath. Then, I would actively choose to release it and forgive. Sometimes I would even say it out loud to reset my thoughts and brain.

"I forgive".

I did this over and over and over again until I no longer had to. Now, I no longer react the same way when I think of the person or situation. It's just a passing thought. It's just something I experienced and lived through and I can be grateful for it. I am not there anymore, living that moment or moments over and over and over. I am not stuck and I am living a very full and lovely life. One which I never would have been able to create had I not been able to unburden myself of my pain and anger and forgive.

Forgiveness is a gift for everyone in your life but mostly for yourself. When you let go, when you move on, when you release yourself from the burden of the pain that holding on causes within you, your whole life can open up and you can start living again for you and with the people who love you for you.

Have you struggled with forgiveness? How did you forgive?