10 Lessons I Learned From my First Year As a New Mother

When we become mothers for the first time we are transformed. Reborn into something entirely different than we once were. We are the source of love, nurturing, sustenance and peace for a very special and tiny human, who needs us implicitly and will forever be a part of us, as they were literally, born from our bodies. It's such a powerful connection and role to take on.

After a year of new motherhood I have felt a profound transformation. I feel I am a completely different person than the one I was before. Having my sweet baby boy, created such a shift within in me, I hardly recognized myself after awhile. Good or bad, I have changed, deeply. I have been humbled, challenged, stretched as far as possible, both literally and metaphorically. I have learned so so so much. It is hard to condense into one blog post but here is my attempt to do so.

Here are 10 lessons I have learned after a year of new motherhood:

1. It is all encompassing to become a mother. Especially at first. You are sleep deprived, healing from your birthing experience, as if your little one. You will be able to do little else but focus on the two of you. It's okay to take this time and grow into your new role as a mom, because you are everything to your little one and it's a profound purpose and role to shift into. Allow it to take you over and transform you.
   

2. You will never get it "right", because there is no right. When I first became a mom I was very driven to create a secure attachment. To make sure my baby always felt loved and nurtured and special. I thought the only way to do that was to be a perfect mother. What I quickly realized was that I can only try my best in the moment, knowing what I know, and I can not be a perfect mom. When I know better I can do better. So know that you will mess up. You will lose your patience. You will not always just know what to do or what baby needs. You will get upset and frustrated. You will need a break. You will let baby cry sometimes, out of exhaustion, frustration, and because you don't know what else to do. You are a mom but you are also human. As long as you are trying your best, doing everything you can to nurture and care for your baby, working to repair if you do loose your cool or patience and being as responsive as you can be as a parent, you are build a connection and attachment with your baby that is secure. In other words, you are doing a good job. Give yourself some grace and remember you are growing into this new role and learning as you go. You are learning about yourself, as a nw mom and your baby as a little human.
   

3. The mental load of motherhood is huge. There is so much to do and think about. Suddenly your brain will be full of your child's needs, wants, and all the things you need to do for them, yourself and your family. Are they too hot? Too cold? Do we have enough diapers for the week? If that a diaper rash? Is this cream working? What am I going to feed them for lunch? Do I need to go to the store? Are they crying because they are in pain or just because they are tired? Are they hungry? When did they eat last? What time is nap time? If they sleep until ____ am, afternoon nap will be at __ time. This car seat is not working anymore. The diaper shirts are getting too small. Better order more. Should we sell the old ones? Running low on sleepers, need to do laundry. And so on and so on and so on. It will feel overwhelming and exhausting, at times. You will have little room in your head for anything else. Other things will fall by the wayside. You will forget things because your head is so full. Having a conversation will be difficult. Set boundaries about what you are capable of taking on in other areas of your life for a bit, take breaks when you need to and ask for help when and were you can.
   

4. Your little one is learning and growing too. It is sometimes hard and even painful for them, so they need you close. Steel yourself mama, because while you are learning and growing into motherhood, your baby is learning and growing into their own little person. It's scary for them. When they are first born, they are extracted from your body and in those first few months they don't realize they are separate from you. To them, you two are one and for almost ten months you were. But, within that first year of their little lives they come to realize among other things they are their own being. They grow, go through so many changes, milestones and mental leaps. Through it all, they will want you close. You are their rock and constant. It may be difficult for you somedays, you will need space. Understanding why they don't like it when you do, helps when you are feeling touched out or exhausted, and need a break. Try to remember they are frustrated too or anxious and need you. Have patience with them and yourself. You're both so new to all this and you're figuring it out together.
   

5. Lower your expectations. Lower them around what you are capable of. Lower them around baby, sleep time, naps, feeding. It's great to be positive and think everything will go well and I hope that for every mom. That it all goes as well. But, often that's just not the case. Motherhood is messy and tough at times. There will be blissful moments, I promise. But, things will not always go as planned. When we have high expectations, things like infant sleep, getting chores done and other areas of our lives can be that much more challenging. For example, If you expect every time you put baby down he will drift off peacefully while drinking a bottle, like he did for last nap, you are setting both of you up for frustration. If you expect that the next nap will be three hours like it was yesterday and you will be able to get all the chores done, you are gonna be overwhelmed and cranky when baby only naps 45 mins. When you are a new mom life gets unpredictable and its harder when you keep your expectations of yourself and your baby and everyone around you high. So lower them and lower them again and then lower them a bit more. The house won't be as clean and that's okay. You will not be able to workout all the time and that's okay. You might not see your friends for a bit and that's okay. The laundry will pile up, and that's okay. This is just a season in your life, known as new motherhood. Eventually, you will be able to get to these things. But, not at first.
   

6. Your relationships will change. Your relationship with your partner will change. Your relationship with your friends will change. Your relationship with your parents will change. Your relationship with yourself will change. When I first became a mom it was challenging to allow space for my other roles, a woman, a partner, a step mom, a dog mom, a creative, an aunt, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I had to figure out who I was in these other roles, now, after this life changing experience. I, had to allow time and space for the needs of my relationship. Needs such as closeness, affection, vulnerability, quality time. It was not always easy. At the end of some days, I was touched out, exhausted and depleted. I was not up for interacting. I needed alone time. So affection or a convo was the last thing on my mind. But I had to find a balance. I needed to carve out time to connect with and allow some space for my partner's needs, as well. Relationships, absolutely, require cultivation and energy to work, to grow and to evolve. I, also, had to work on the new challenges that being a mother to an infant presented in my relationship, like communication. I found it incredibly challenging to communicate what I needed and what I needed help with. To not only communicate that in a way that was understood, but also in a very minimal amount of time. Things like family schedules, logistics, trips, budgets, plans, purchases or even just where my head space is at that day, are hard to discuss when the immediate needs of a baby have to be dealt with. You really have to learn to be a better team player, with your partner. I learned I had to be more aware of my own needs, such as, doing things that brought me joy, hobbies and interests, exercise, socializing, alone time, rest, keeping in touch with my close friends, family and support systems. My needs, often got put on the back burner and to the detriment of my mood and capacity. It became more and more important for me to carve out space for myself when and if I could. After doing so, I, almost always, came back with renewed energy and capacity. In terms of friendships, I had to me more intentional about reaching out, planning or accepting friend dates and going out, because I needed to get out of the house and talk to adults every once in a while. I had to express to my friends how I felt different, how I was different and hope they accepted this new version of me. I had to do this in the midst of a pandemic. It was challenging and hard at times. I'm also still working on this. My relationship with my family changed, as well. My parents are amazing grandparents. They are an amazing support to my family, bonus kids and Everest. They are always willing to babysit, step in and help out. Brent and I would have been lost those first few weeks without their help. Having my own baby helped me see my parents and family with so much more grace. The sacrifices we all make as mothers and parents and what we go through and are willing to go through for our children. We provide what can, when we can, in the ways we can. That is all any parent can do, really, and that is worth everything to our children.

7. You will get triggered. Being a mom and parent will be the hardest most rewarding thing you have ever done. But, your limits will be tested. If you have unhealed trauma, pain, anxiety issues they will pop up in a myriad of ways. You can use the opportunity to explore them, address and heal them or you can keep on trucking, doing what you're doing. The choice is yours. Taking the time to heal what's coming up will help you on your parenting journey and your child, immensely. I encourage you to seek out a therapist, talk to a loved one who will understand or journal some of your thoughts and feelings, if you can carve out space. Further, to this point, PPD and PPA are no joke. The signs and symptoms of PPD and PPA need to be addressed if they come up. If you are prone to depression and anxiety, PPA and PPD are things you will need to look out for in yourself and your partner. Do not suffer in silence. Talk to your health care professional if you are experiencing signs or symptoms. Here is an article about the warning signs of PPD: https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/early-warning-signs-postpartum-depression
   

8. Your body needs some love, too. Your body just went through some serious trauma. You birthed a person. It will be forever changed by the expansion of pregnancy and the trauma of child birth, whether you had a VBAC or a c-section. You will have new scars, stretch marks, and stretched out skin around your belly. You grew a whole new organ (the placenta) and released it. A huge wound was left in your uterus where it once was. Your organs were rearranged to allow space for baby, then have to resettle back into their usual areas. Your uterus expanded 500% its normal size. Your cervix dilated from about the size of a pea to the size of a cantaloupe to allow for a small human to pass through the birth canal in a few giant bone cracking, skin ripping pushes, while you were on an amazing amount of pain meds and drugs. If you had a c-section you had major abdominal surgery. They cut through 7 layers of you to pull baby out and then stitched you back up, only to expect you to be up and walking within 24 hours. The recovery is intense, about six weeks long, at best, and you can barely walk or lift your new babe. Your breast were working girls for a few months, a year, still working girls. They have stretched like balloons, sprayed, been attached to pumps and lay flattened out and exhausted once they were done providing milk for your littles. Your body does not need to bounce back it needs to recover. It may not be the body you are used to anymore but it just did the most miraculous thing on this earth, grow a human and birth that human. Your body did that. Remember that when you look in the mirror a year later and see sags and marks and red lines. It's been through an incredible and difficult journey and it deserves admiration, a week after, a month after, a year after, 10 years after and beyond. Give your body as much love as it needs, until you can look at it and admire what you two have been through together.
   

9. You will need to learn to exist with dualities. Motherhood is all about dualities. You are excited to be a mom and meet your baby and at once utterly terrified for child birth. You can't wait for the newborn stage to be over but you will grieve it immensely once it's over. You are so amazed at how much they have grown and at once so sad about it. You love who they are now and miss who they were. You need to take time for yourself but feel guilty about it. You are having fun being out with friends but worried about how your baby is doing. No one knows better how fear and excitement, worry and relief, joy and grief can coexist inside one human in tandem, for so long. As a mom you just have to get comfortable feeling two very different ways about things at the exact same time.
   

10. Enjoy every moment it all goes by in a blink. This year, while the most happiest, exciting, fulfilling, rewarding, challenging, joyful, scary time of my entire life, was also the fastest. It just went by in a blink. When they say the days are long but the years are short, they are not kidding. So soak it all in, every hard, painful, joyful moment and know that when you are deep in your struggle, sleep deprived, and don't think you can gather the strength to get through another night, it will all pass soon. Your baby will sleep soon and you will rest, soon. I promise, for now do what you can and enjoy the moments when you can.

Throughout this year there have been moments of pain, grief, frustration and fear, but none of that compared to the moments of happiness, joy, and bliss. I just love my baby, my little guy, my little Everest, so so so much. I can not contain it and I am so grateful for this past year and the time I have been able to spend with him. I will always cherish nursing him, loving him, cuddling him, playing with him, introducing him to new things and napping with him. It has been so exciting to become his mom and I am so excited to see him take on toddlerhood and continue to grow, learn and change. But, I am also a bit sad. I'm sad the baby days are nearing to an end. I'm said my maternity leave is almost over. I'm sad we will spend more time apart. That is the reality of motherhood and parenthood we hold two conflicting emotions with us always. We love deeply and we grieve deeply, too. We enjoy every moment and we struggle through them, as well.

My last words about motherhood are this, Motherhood, parenthood is powerfully transforming and full of purpose that will fill your life in ways you never knew possible but it will also break your heart in a million different ways. I have found strength, grace and power I never knew I had. I have come to know a deep love I never knew I could feel or existed. I have utterly been blown away at how powerfully complex it is to become a mother and have a child, a part of you, out in the world, existing as their own person. I will be forever grateful for the experience to be a mom and I will forever be humbled by it.

To all the mothers out there, you are powerful beyond measure and your child is a blessing and a joy to this world. Cherish yourself, as a new mom, and your child, as the miraculous little babe they are and hold them close, always.

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